the new year

so it's the new year. As i sit here alone i ponder the world, the last year, and my place in it. it was my choice to spend this night alone but i'm not sure if that was good since it's kind of sad and lonely. i'm sure in the broad scheme of things it was the best choice since i am vulnerable and prone to bouts of stupidity. as i am going through a rocky time in life it is best to be alone rather than to hurt the ones i love or hurt myself. i have grown past the self destructive phase that i always resorted to in my younger days.

2008 was hell. breakups, reconcilition, break up, forgiveness, letting go, family issues, moving, job stress, finding my center, being lost, being lonely, being alone, opening up, shutting down, loving, hating, more letting go, finding myself, accepting myself, wondering why, etc...

I think the biggest lesson i learned in 2008 was forgiveness. Some people deserve forgiveness and some do not. despite what we are taught, sometimes it is best not to forgive and then go on with your own life. people who intentionally do horrible things to you do not recieve forgiveness, you are not their savior. it is best to move on and leave them and the past behind. trying to forgive just keeps bringing the pain with you everyday instead of leaving it behind. You must let go in order to move forward.

I don't have any goals for this year, i just want to get through each day and wake up each morning.

the pain will fade, life goes on etc... but for now i want to hold onto the pain, wallow in the heartache, enjoy these emotions. It is easy to embrace happiness but sadness and despair have a place in this world too.

there will never be another moment like this.......

me

what is it that makes me "me"? what forces all came together the last 30 odd years that made me into who i am? why is everyone i know basically cookie cutter and then there is "me". the odd one out. the one who only owns one cup and likes it that way. the crazy person who sold the car and bought a bicycle. the one who peddles to work in zero degrees and wears a pendant of buddha. the one who reads at lunch and doesn't watch tv.
what is wrong with "me"? i'm not overly opinionated and i don't speak much. why does that make people so nervous? why is it so important to complain about everything and have a loud opinion on everything? why does it make me boring because i don't want to talk? what is so important that we have to spend our lives talking constantly.
What about just looking at the sky? night or day it's still beautiful. What about looking at the world through compassionate eyes? instead of complaining just really look at the world around us. choose to see the positive...choose to be happy...choose to see instead of talking. there is more to life and sometimes silence is.....

and one other thing - whether you wait for it or push for it, change will happen in its own time. we are in control of nothing.

different

i feel so alone and isolated in the bible belt, no one is like me or can even grasp the being that is "me". i'm sure that in another place this wouldn't be so, but wouldn't that be like preaching to the choir. here everyone is the same, there is no diversity. even the queers are christian. the politics are the same no matter the party affiliation and the religion is all the same. sometimes being a queer buddhist taoist nonconformist cycling enviromentally friendly minimalist is just too much. it would be so easy to conform, be like everyone else so i could easily slide through life. this life is a lonely one, no one understands and everyone just wants me to change. I want to be accepted for just me. i feel stuck on the island of misfit toys. i like being the person i am, it's just lonely sometimes.