waiting

so this is the time of waiting- we should call this purgetory-waiting to see if i get the apt, waiting to see if "she" likes me, waiting to see if the ex goes crazy, waiting to see what my hours will be at work, waiting for phone calls, waiting for texts, it feels like sitting in purgetory waiting for life to begin.
I have been down this path before and i know it requires patience. things have been going smoothly so far. If i can just relax in this moment things will be fine. it seems the universe is working with me. last night i just wanted a six pack and my store had one left, just for me, and it was on sale. that is proof that god loves me and wants me to be happy. (shout out to ol ben franklin)...(note: it is difficult in springfield to find rolling rock six packs especially on the keystone side of town)
anyway, i'm trying not to worry too much and just "flow with the chi" but waiting is hell. this is just the way it is....

strangeness

so this week has been a weird uphill downhill battle. work was actually very good, i laughed a lot and i get to see the girl i'm crushing on daily. i also got a new phone. what a great way to signify the end of the past and a new beginning - a new cell phone. no old memories with this phone, only new experiences.
i feel sadness at the loss of my past but strangely mixed with the exhilaration of what's on the horizon. that is quite confusing and leads to restless nights and starvation.

the ever present internal conversation - what if she was the one, but of course she wasn't, what if you're being played, what are the expectations, what's the next step, but she has a girlfriend, where are you going to live, workworkwork, economy, sex, groceries are expensive, food or alcohol, what if she's stalking me and i don't know it, will i ever find someone who likes me for me, sex, i need to go to the store, laundry, budget, sex, which movie tonight, my head hurts, i'm tired, need food, need affection, would she be good with me, need to focus, what is love, purpose, sex is only important if it defines the relationship, what will i learn next, i'm happy just the way i am, what's wrong with me, who is she dating now, i just want to cuddle, i miss my friends, how can you miss people who were bad for you, how can you miss her when she was evil crazy and somewhat abusive, i should eat, just breathe, this too shall pass, silence.....

laundry day

every sunday morning i go to the laundromat. i go early so it's just me and i don't have to deal with anyone. i can just sit and read and watch my clothes spin. The laundromat has it's own pet kitty that roams around and loves to sit with me, actually loves to sit on my warm coat.

today i watched the cat and marveled at the intensity of our collective instincts. this cat has never been outside, never came close to another animal, never been "wild" but i watched her go crazy over some birds out the window. crouched down, waiting to pounce, she wanted a bird. it's basic instinct for a cat.

that got me thinking about my instincts, our instincts as humans and how we fight them. we know inherently what's best for us but choose for whatever reason to follow the path of someone else or something else or go against ourselves. i know that i've wished a lot that i had followed my instincts before because i know my life would be different.



i am aware and will make it my intention to listen to myself because only i know me and what's best for me.

i urge all of you to do the same...

so today...

things are seemingly getting better since the kryptonite is gone. my self esteem is rising and my soul is healing. life is flowing smoothly, i feel my world coming together instead of having the life sucked out of me. things are getting better......

watching southland tales again - i love that movie, i really need to buy it. need to stop eating so much pizza. today is just a day

found a really good book - the hard questions for an authentic life by susan piver.

learned that stargazer was a term used in the late 1800's for prostitutes that came out at night. I've used that as my "magic" name in wicca and as my screen name for years. lol

i'm ready for whatever comes.......

in transition

so far this year has been just a group of days all seemingly like the one before. gathering tools needed to verge into this new world. figuring out where to move, getting in touch with old friends, finding my center. get up-work-come home-eat-sleep-the world moves on... even though my past life as so and so's girlfriend is over and i'm left forging ahead, life moves on. it goes on with or without me. i could sit in here every day all day and the world outside keeps moving forward.

moving on....that implies actual movement on my part but movement is not intentional. moving on just happens whether i try or not

the new year

so it's the new year. As i sit here alone i ponder the world, the last year, and my place in it. it was my choice to spend this night alone but i'm not sure if that was good since it's kind of sad and lonely. i'm sure in the broad scheme of things it was the best choice since i am vulnerable and prone to bouts of stupidity. as i am going through a rocky time in life it is best to be alone rather than to hurt the ones i love or hurt myself. i have grown past the self destructive phase that i always resorted to in my younger days.

2008 was hell. breakups, reconcilition, break up, forgiveness, letting go, family issues, moving, job stress, finding my center, being lost, being lonely, being alone, opening up, shutting down, loving, hating, more letting go, finding myself, accepting myself, wondering why, etc...

I think the biggest lesson i learned in 2008 was forgiveness. Some people deserve forgiveness and some do not. despite what we are taught, sometimes it is best not to forgive and then go on with your own life. people who intentionally do horrible things to you do not recieve forgiveness, you are not their savior. it is best to move on and leave them and the past behind. trying to forgive just keeps bringing the pain with you everyday instead of leaving it behind. You must let go in order to move forward.

I don't have any goals for this year, i just want to get through each day and wake up each morning.

the pain will fade, life goes on etc... but for now i want to hold onto the pain, wallow in the heartache, enjoy these emotions. It is easy to embrace happiness but sadness and despair have a place in this world too.

there will never be another moment like this.......

me

what is it that makes me "me"? what forces all came together the last 30 odd years that made me into who i am? why is everyone i know basically cookie cutter and then there is "me". the odd one out. the one who only owns one cup and likes it that way. the crazy person who sold the car and bought a bicycle. the one who peddles to work in zero degrees and wears a pendant of buddha. the one who reads at lunch and doesn't watch tv.
what is wrong with "me"? i'm not overly opinionated and i don't speak much. why does that make people so nervous? why is it so important to complain about everything and have a loud opinion on everything? why does it make me boring because i don't want to talk? what is so important that we have to spend our lives talking constantly.
What about just looking at the sky? night or day it's still beautiful. What about looking at the world through compassionate eyes? instead of complaining just really look at the world around us. choose to see the positive...choose to be happy...choose to see instead of talking. there is more to life and sometimes silence is.....

and one other thing - whether you wait for it or push for it, change will happen in its own time. we are in control of nothing.