Wednesday, December 31, 2008

the new year

so it's the new year. As i sit here alone i ponder the world, the last year, and my place in it. it was my choice to spend this night alone but i'm not sure if that was good since it's kind of sad and lonely. i'm sure in the broad scheme of things it was the best choice since i am vulnerable and prone to bouts of stupidity. as i am going through a rocky time in life it is best to be alone rather than to hurt the ones i love or hurt myself. i have grown past the self destructive phase that i always resorted to in my younger days.

2008 was hell. breakups, reconcilition, break up, forgiveness, letting go, family issues, moving, job stress, finding my center, being lost, being lonely, being alone, opening up, shutting down, loving, hating, more letting go, finding myself, accepting myself, wondering why, etc...

I think the biggest lesson i learned in 2008 was forgiveness. Some people deserve forgiveness and some do not. despite what we are taught, sometimes it is best not to forgive and then go on with your own life. people who intentionally do horrible things to you do not recieve forgiveness, you are not their savior. it is best to move on and leave them and the past behind. trying to forgive just keeps bringing the pain with you everyday instead of leaving it behind. You must let go in order to move forward.

I don't have any goals for this year, i just want to get through each day and wake up each morning.

the pain will fade, life goes on etc... but for now i want to hold onto the pain, wallow in the heartache, enjoy these emotions. It is easy to embrace happiness but sadness and despair have a place in this world too.

there will never be another moment like this.......

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