strangeness

so this week has been a weird uphill downhill battle. work was actually very good, i laughed a lot and i get to see the girl i'm crushing on daily. i also got a new phone. what a great way to signify the end of the past and a new beginning - a new cell phone. no old memories with this phone, only new experiences.
i feel sadness at the loss of my past but strangely mixed with the exhilaration of what's on the horizon. that is quite confusing and leads to restless nights and starvation.

the ever present internal conversation - what if she was the one, but of course she wasn't, what if you're being played, what are the expectations, what's the next step, but she has a girlfriend, where are you going to live, workworkwork, economy, sex, groceries are expensive, food or alcohol, what if she's stalking me and i don't know it, will i ever find someone who likes me for me, sex, i need to go to the store, laundry, budget, sex, which movie tonight, my head hurts, i'm tired, need food, need affection, would she be good with me, need to focus, what is love, purpose, sex is only important if it defines the relationship, what will i learn next, i'm happy just the way i am, what's wrong with me, who is she dating now, i just want to cuddle, i miss my friends, how can you miss people who were bad for you, how can you miss her when she was evil crazy and somewhat abusive, i should eat, just breathe, this too shall pass, silence.....